I’ll be honest. I’ve never been more scared in the last couple of weeks. I should be happy, I should smile, laugh and tell everything to everyone. But I’m scared.

Do you know that feeling when you know you have it all? Right after going through the hardest time you ever had, you finally have it all. You feel like you’re looking down on it all, the past. You’ve reached the top. That’s where you are: hello sunshine on your face, you feel warm… I’ve been living the last year to forget, and I finally live to remember again.

But that’s the exact moment cold, dark fear strikes you. ‘I’m going to loose it all, I’m going to loose it all in the wink of an eye. I’m not worth any second of this. Don’t even imagine this is happening.’ And it takes your breath, it makes you more scared then you ever were before. ‘Look back, you don’t deserve this, this is not what you will get for what happened before.’ You see it, you feel it, you know it somewhere deep inside. ‘I’m losing all of this and it’s all my own fault. Again.’

At the exact same time you feel that hatred again. And again. And again. And again. Fear strikes in multiple forms, it’s cold, dark, heavy. And that’s when you hope and you pray that there’s a light that never goes out. ‘cause When it goes out, this is where I’ll stay. Cold, dark, heavy.